On Victimhood and Being a "Have To" Guy

I am a "have to" guy.  I have always been a have to guy.  In fact, I think I was born a have to guy.  Many of you are have to people as well.  Those who are have to people need no further explanation as to what this means, but for those of you who are not have to people, here is a little primer.  Have to people do what they have to do, no matter what, always.  Or, at minimum, they do what they believe (or are told, or convince themselves) that they have to do.  They do this irrespective of their personal feelings, goals, or aspirations.  They take on jobs, responsibilities, and obligations not through a rational thought process or by matching their talents and abilities with those jobs, but because they feel that they are compelled to do so for the good of someone else.  

There are have to people everywhere.  Even if you are not a have to person, you certainly know have to people.  The woman who drops out of college to care for her children, the aspiring writer who becomes an insurance agent to pay the bills, the people who take your order at the fast food restaurant, the customer service agent on the other end of the phone, and the sanitation worker who picks-up your trash from the curb are all have to people.  People doing what they believe, or were told, that they have to do to get by, to pay the rent, to eat, to live.  Not everyone who works a mundane job is a have to person.  Some of these people have found their calling and get terrific enjoyment from their work, but for many of us the driving force behind all of our decisions is simply doing what we have to do to survive.

Have to people often start young.  We are the "responsible" sibling who looks out for our brothers and sisters.  Many of us grow up in economic circumstances that encourage, if not force us shoulder responsibility at a young age. We don’t blink an eye at working 70 hour weeks.  We are the people who feel guilty when we indulge in little pleasures like eating out or going to a movie.  We are the people who study geography and culture but do not have a passport because oversee travel is “just not something that people like us do.”  We are knowledgeable about the stock market and investing, but have no capital.  We recognize the world around us is a large and interesting place, but feel limited to our small little corner of it—working menial jobs and just hoping that the rent check does not bounce. 

This “have to” mentality allows us to survive and even thrive in difficult circumstances.  We do not spend time questioning why we have to do what we have to do, we simply do it.  No complaining, no whining, and no shirking of our perceived responsibilities.  Instead, we forge ahead, working jobs we hate, taking care of family or friends who do not appreciate our time or effort, and putting off our goals and dreams (or failing to ever establish such goals and dreams) until a later time when we believe that we will no longer have to do what we do.  We are low maintenance and reliable, but rarely ever happy.

Then one day something happens: we realize that we have actually chosen to be have to people.  This realization, that being a have to person is a choice, blows away all of our prior notions about ourselves and the role we play in the world.  We realize that there is no external force pressuring us to be have to people, and that we actually have something that we never thought we had before: a choice.  Suddenly the world is at once an amazingly exciting and amazingly terrifying place.  Suddenly we realize that our entire identities, including the pain, frustration, and disillusionment at our core need not be permanent.  In fact, those horrible feelings need not exists at all, it really is all a choice.  

For me, this realization came slowly.  I grew up poor.  Not outhouse, dirt floor, no running water poor—but American minority poor.  Food stamp poor.  Government cheese poor.  Shopping at Goodwill was a treat poor.  I started working at Taco Bell when I was in high school and have worked ever since.  I spent years managing retail stores, building sales teams, and managing real estate—all jobs I hated to various degrees.  I took these jobs not because I was interested in the industry or saw a potential career path, but because each progressive job paid more than the last, and as a have to guy, it was always about more money.  Money was the barrier between my current life and the one I sought to leave behind.  As a have to person, I did not care if I found satisfaction in work, it was simply a means to an end, a way to provide for those I cared about and to be “independent” from the government and church aid that dominated my youth—it was a way to do what I had to do.  

Once you step beyond the looking glass you realize that being a have to person means choosing to be a victim.  A victim of circumstance, of expectation, but most of all a victim of your own mind.  Victimhood—and its alter-ego entitlement—is an alluring mindset, because once we take on the mantle of victimhood, we have a builtin excuse for not achieving our highest purpose.  We have a built in excuse for our own bad choices, for not improving ourselves, and for living life under someone else’s terms.  It is the ultimate “get out of jail free” card for life.  I cannot count how many times over the past decades have I said, “no I can’t do [fill in the blank] because I have to work.”  I cannot take that internship because I have to make money to help my mother.  I cannot travel because I have to be there for my kids.  I cannot change industries or jobs or seek out a career I enjoy because I have to put food on the table.

In so doing we take on a martyr mindset.  We tell ourselves that our own sacrifice is a worthy pursuit, while at the same time secretly resenting those who we profess to be so selflessly helping.  The longer we parlay this cycle, the more attached we become to the vision of ourselves as selfless martyrs, and the more resentful we become of our supposed beneficiaries.  Eventually, the grind of doing what we have to do, or the resentment that accompanies it consumes us, and we are left bitter and angry at the world.  But there is a better way.

As kids, even poor kids, we are told that we can be whatever we want to be when we grow up.  But, no one ever tells us poor kids that we can also be who we want to be when we grow up.  We don’t have parents who ask us about our hopes and dreams.  Instead, we have an educational system that teaches us that there is an established path we must follow to escape poverty—and, that despite our best efforts, only a small percentage of us will ever make it.  We are told to go to school and get good grades.  To go to college and study hard.  And maybe, if you are gifted, to get an advanced degree.  We are told to be humble, start at the bottom and work our way up.  We are told to sacrifice and work hard and eventually we will “make it.”  But what we are never told is that we—and no one else—control our own destiny.  And not a hokey, science fiction way, but in the real, truest meaning of the word destiny. 

Over the last five years I have come to the realization that I chose to be a have to guy.  I came to see that there was only one thing separating me from those who chose to pursue their dreams and passions.  Those on the other side were not smarter, more driven, or more talented than I was.  The only thing that separated us was that they made a choice to pursue a life path they found interesting and challenging, and I simply did not.  They had the same bills and responsibilities (to a greater or lesser degree) as I did, but they refused to be held hostage by those responsibilities.  In short, they chose to fulfill their obligations by chasing their passions.  They chose to live by creating a world they enjoyed.

I have learned much in those intervening years.  I have learned that despite everything I was taught, life is not a zero sum game.  I learned that I can be driven and compassionate, competitive and collaborative, wealthy and generous all at the same time.  I learned that by choosing to be more than a have to guy, I can improve not only my life, but the lives of those I care about.  Choosing to state loudly and publicly your goals, putting aside everything that stands in the way of those goals, and deciding to devote yourself to chasing your dreams is scary as hell.  I know that I do not “have to” do it, but I do not think that I have ever wanted anything more in my entire life.   

   

How to Beat Rush

It seems there has been a ton of attention payed to an angry, aging, drug-addicted radio personality lately. While I can understand some of the hub-bub around Mr. Limbaugh, I am puzzled by how the left continues to struggle with how to marginalize this ill-educated loudmouth. As some of you may know, I have listened to Rush for many years. While I decry his ideas and politics, I do find him to be a bit amusing, and up until recently his show was a wonderful illustration of how our country is supposed to work. We are all allowed to voice our opinions, preach and teach intolerance, and generally make asses out of ourselves on a daily basis. As someone who disagrees with the overall platform of the far right, listening to Rush has given me an insight into how many people think, their motives, and their decision making paradigm. Unfortunately, over the past year the rhetoric has turned beyond sour grapes to a far more racially-based hated mongering. All the while Mr. Limbaugh's profile has exploded beyond the right-wing wacko listeners of his program, and has been given a seat at the table of the mainstream media.

No I have not seen Rush on Face the Nation or Meet the Press, but he has been successful (through a variety of tactics) in keeping his name in the national discussion. By doing so he continues to build credibility amongst those who are too ignorant, or just too lazy to come to a greater understanding of the world around us. This is where Rush is best, in inciting anger, hatred, and intolerance amongst those who lack either the intellect or the drive to delve deeper into an issue and explore for themselves. This was seen clearly at the "Tea Party" rally's and the town hall meetings this summer. Time and again, you had people who were genuinely furious at their local representatives. Yelling expletives and shouting that they "Wanted their country back!". But what did it all mean? I never talked to a single person who could tell me how their lives had been effected in an negative way during the first few months of the Obama Administration. The answer is simple, these were folks who were stirred up by the conservative mouthpieces (Rush is not alone, you know the rest, Savage, Hannity, and most recently the genius Glenn Beck). While their anger was real, they lacked any ability to articulate why it was they were so angry, or how any policy passed or proposed had a direct impact on them as an individual.

At first this trend shocked and surprised me, but as I continued to analyze what was happening it began to make more sense. One of the most powerful of human emotions is that of fear. Fear, when coupled with jealousy and seasoned with entitlement is a perfect recipe for creating irrational and uncontrollable anger. In essence, Rush has learned how to utilize his soap box to scare the hell out of those who listen to him. Your country is going down the tubes, Obama the Magic Negro is a socialist who wants to kill your grandma, health care reform will spell the end of democracy as we know it. The amazing thing about this all-out propaganda blitz is that because of the speed and reach of technology today, Rush need only infect a few mindless drones with this nonsense for it to begin a pandemic of ignorance. Soon the email chains begin, the websites devoted to proving that the President is an illegal immigrant, a communist, a Muslim, a robot, or a secret spy sent by Iran. These viral stories and images spread so quickly and with such a following that soon the actual media begins to lend them credence. All of it created in a radio or television studio by men who's true aim had little to do with ideology and far more to do with making money.

So, for those of us sickened by the hyperbolic hysteria that is gripping our nation, the question becomes how do we fight back? How do we discredit a man who despite dropping out of college has managed to build a coalition of millions of Americans who are mad as hell (we are not completely sure what they are mad about, but they are mad as hell!)? The answer lies not in putting more well known left wing voices out there, as it does nothing to solve our the problem. If I am an ardent follower of Fox News, Rush, and Savage, there is not a snowball's chance in hell that I will tune into NPR or MSNBC. No, we must look for a different approach, one that not only marginalizes the hate throwers of the right, but gives people an opportunity to have lively debate, to understand the true complexities of the issues, to share experiences and draw rational conclusions. In short we need a new form of media, one that treats people as adults! It is time to challenge Americans to think independently instead of consuming others' ideas whole. It is time to challenge the talking heads on television, to bring forward new media programs that center around intelligent people sharing all sides of an issue and encouraging their audiences to do the same.

We cannot fight right-wing fanaticism with left-wing fanaticism. To do so would bring about no change to the status quo. We are more divided as a country now than ever before, and there are those who have a tremendous amount of power and a vested interest in keeping it that way (how do you think Rush and his buddy's make their money). It is time to take back the power from these fringe groups. The words may sound trite, but surely there is more that unites us than divides us. We have let the inmates run the asylum for far too long, we can beat Rush and his cronies, but we will never do it by following their example.

Despite My Best Intentions...

So again it seems that I have gone the better part of year without updating my blog. Now, this has happened several times, and with each occurrence, I have pledged to do better, to become more consistent, and to deliver content more regularly to my loyal followers....oh who am I kidding??? No one reads this so it really doesn't matter!

Countdown to Coronation Part 2

Last week I began a commentary on what President Elect Obama should focus on during his first 100 days in the Oval Office. I outlined priority number one as getting more liquidity in the credit market. Today we look at priority numeral dos:

2. Close Gitmo...Restore Our Rightful Place in the World

Okay so perhaps the simple closing of one of America's most embarrassing facilities will not restore our global reputation to what it was just a short eight years ago. However, this is a critical first step down that path. It says to the rest of the world that we actually believe and live out the principles that our country was founded on. It does appear just a bit hypocritical to say that we are spreading democracy around the world while not following our own Constitution at home.

Just a reminder to everyone, the aim of terrorist is to alter our way of life, and illustrate that our system of government and law does not work. Well, score one for the terrorist. By holding men prisoners with no access to attorneys and courts, and no real legal rights what are we saying about our country? When we put people on trial before "Special Tribunals" and deny them the right to face their accusers or even see the evidence upon which we convict them then how can we maintain that we are for freedom and justice in the world. I can hear the screams from the Right Wing Wackos already: "You are being Un-American, do you like terrorist, do you want them to kill us?"

No, no, no. Actually I'm not such a big fan of terrorism. This is why I am against giving terrorist what they want. Why let them ruin our system of justice? Do we not have enough faith and confidence in our legal system? This system that has withstood over 200 years of challenges, a Civil War, and two World Wars? Of course it is expedient to jail those with whom we disagree, despotic dictators and Communist Party leaders learned that long ago. Do you really think that after promoting freedom and democracy for over two centuries we should follow the lead of tyrants? In case you need more of an arguement then look at the words of several notable American Statesmen:

"A Bill of Rights is what the people are entitled to against every government, and what no just government should refuse, or rest on inference. " -Thomas Jefferson

and...

"Any people that would give up liberty for a little temporary safety deserves neither liberty nor safety." -Ben Franklin

So closing Gitmo is not going to restore our global luster all at once. However, this is a critical first step, which combined with a new approach to foreign policy can insure a safer world for all of us. The use of so called "Smart Power", the idea that foreign policy means more than use of military might. An understanding that it must be accompanied by thoughtful diplomacy and long-term strategy. We need to understand that our actions today have consequences ten, thirty, and fifty years from now. It is time that we start living up to our creed as Americans, we codified the rights of all mankind in our Constitution and no terrorist should ever be able to change that.

Countdown to Coronation....

With less than a week remaining in the Bush Administration, I look forward to the impending change of leadership with a sense of anticipation and joy, but reserved expectations. At no point in recent history has a President sworn the oath of office amidst such a torrid of domestic and global crisis. It is often said that the first 100 days of a presidency set the tone for the entire term and I have no doubt that will be true for President Obama. Sorting out and prioritizing the many bogie's on his presidential radar will certainly be a task. Where to start? An economy near collapse, rising unemployment, record foreclosures, a collapsing auto industry, war on two fronts, and just for good measure throw in the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. No doubt the first few months on the job will test the mettle of our new leader, so where to start? Over the next few days I will lay out my top five priorities:

1. Get Banks to Lend:

As pressing as the issues of foreign policy and global war are, we need first to look inward and clean up our own backyard. In case you haven't noticed the banking sector is still not giving loans despite taking $350+ BILLION of OUR money through what is now being called TARP (Troubled Assets Relief Program). Like a fifth-grader on the playground, it seems that most banks have stomped off the court, saying "This is my ball, and I'm going home". They are holding up the game, which in turn has consequences that reach nearly every corner of the economy. The main problem here is with the way the money was distributed in the first place. The idea behind a major government bailout is to place a large amount of liquidity back in the market in a very short period of time. The belief then follows that because of this influx of liquidity there will in turn be a corresponding rise in spending thus production will increase, unemployment will decrease, and we will all live happily ever after.

It is a good theory, only one problem here; the funds were not distributed to consumers or even to businesses looking to make capital expenditures. Instead the funds were distributed to banks both large and small. Once again this illustrates one of the most popular plays from the Republican handbook: give our rich friends more money and hope that the effects "trickle-down" to the rest of you. Now setting aside the fact that so called "supply-side" economics have no history of success, lets instead key in on this specific example. What has happened over the past few months is that all kinds of banks large and small have applied and been granted Federal monies (our monies). However, instead of loosing lending requirements as there is now more cash available, they have taken the money and used it for everything from building upgrades to acquisitions of smaller banks. All the while the American consumer and small business owner are left holding the bag. We are giving banks money who then refuse to lend it to us! That is crazy!

So you ask, how do we fix it? Well I believe there are two important steps that President Obama must take when (obviously not if) he distributes the rest of the TARP funds. First, more of the money must be targeted for mortgage relief. This is the number one problem in the consumer economy. People are loosing their homes. I know, many of you who are not loosing your houses will ask why should I bail out my neighbor? I'll tell you why. Foreclosures effect everyone, not just the people loosing their homes. With more foreclosures you have more homes on the market for sale which drives the prices of all the homes in the neighborhood down. It also means that banks have less money to lend as they have to keep cash reserves to cover these assets and therefore are less willing to lend. Getting the foreclosure situation under control has to be a top priority. This means not giving more funds to banks, but instead direct government intervention in purchasing delinquent home loans and working with the homeowners on new repayment plans. It means purchasing already vacant bank owned property and making it available to affordable prices to those in need. In short it means insuring that millions of Americans don't loose the cornerstone of their American dream.

Second, there has to be transparency. I'm sorry AIG and General Motors, but if you are going to take my money then I want to see a ledger sheet on how you are spending it. Beyond that, there needs to be clear guidelines for what the funds can and cannot be spent on. I know, I know, at this point many of you may be screaming that you don't want the Federal government making decisions for private companies. I completely agree! However, when you put your hand out and take my tax dollars, then you are no longer a private business. You can't just play capitalism when it suits your cause and then decide you want a socialist bailout. If you are in business it involves risk, you must take on the risk in order to reap rewards. When it doesn't turn out the way you like you simply cannot say, "well I lost money, so the government should give it back". You are not playing with house money here! However, because we have recognized that there is the potential that the greater good will be served by helping you out (this time anyway), we are going to give you some money, but yes we reserve the right to tell you how to spend it. If you don't like the rules of the game feel free to leave the court, but please leave our ball here as the game must go on.